The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
You Might Also Like
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
I occasionally drink every single night.
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
I’m so full I could puke a horse
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
monday
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza