I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
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I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
Velcrow
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.