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If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
estão todos miauvindo?
*checks Timeline*…
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
🤭😂
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…