Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
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“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.