things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
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corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
Well well well…
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.