I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
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Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.