me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
You Might Also Like
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
I’m pretty like a car crash.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.