Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
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You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
Saturday
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
everyone has that one prude friend
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.