My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
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marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
This January has 47 Mondays
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
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Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.