British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
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PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
inside you are two wolves
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts