Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
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Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
the best thing i’ve ever made
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.