Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
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I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
starting a garage orchestra
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
selena gomez
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?