“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
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[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not