Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
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Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
catch me on valentine’s day like
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
*scroll*
*scroll*
*scroll*
[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
*scroll*
*scroll*
*scroll*
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.