There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
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[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.