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Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
no their not
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember