“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
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40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*