Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
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Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
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4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now