The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
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Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.