Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
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Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.