Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
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to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
The real reason evolution started..😂
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes