You Might Also Like
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.