Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
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“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
You got this…
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
lmao
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
You can’t rush stupid.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA