Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
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The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.