Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
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I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000