Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
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Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille