Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
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“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*