When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
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The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.