Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
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[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.