I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
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Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
What a year we’ve had this week.
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*