friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
You Might Also Like
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.