just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
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Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
Every haunted house movie:
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation