Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
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One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”