Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
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Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
Stonehinge
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?