*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
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Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
No selfies while hijacking a train.
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.