“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
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My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
God making man in his image was the original selfie
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem