When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
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[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
*bites zombie*
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories