ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
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GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
jesus christ confetti not now
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’