So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
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[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
Grow up never but we old may grow we
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.