I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
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My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.