I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
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Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
I falcon love using swear birds
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
Flock of bats
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”