Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
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FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
Meth is short for Elizameth.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
Oh my God.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?