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Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
Stop sending me this shit.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
Seek kebab; not attention
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.