I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
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“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
do u think theres a butter planet?
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”