[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
You Might Also Like
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
dream blunt rotation
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw