Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
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My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
😍😂🥰😂😍
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.