*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
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I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.