Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
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The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
guys i’ve cracked the code
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
These are my roll models.
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!