Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
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Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
Baking is just science you can eat.
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
Hank is one in a melon.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.