BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
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Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
ok this is my dumbest yet